Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
