Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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