just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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