I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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