Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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