Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
