My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
