i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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