You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize