Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
