Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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