dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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