You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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