That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize