Only a mothe r could love this liver
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
