Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
this beer tastes like vomit already
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize