So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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