this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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