So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
