Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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