he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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