Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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