I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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