I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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