I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
