did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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