Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
