found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
