I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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