OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
