I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
