I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
