He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
