70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
