Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
