Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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