i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
