I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
