i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You have to summon your inner elephant
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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