I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
