I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
