Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
