make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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