i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
