walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
