your parents love me but you hate me
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
