I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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