The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
