Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
