i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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