It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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