Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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