Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
