would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize