For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
