I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
