Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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