Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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