woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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