I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
