Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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