You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize