I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
