i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
