I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
