just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
