if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
