Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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