i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm bleeding and have questions
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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