Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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