tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
