If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize