If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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