I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
