Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
